As Nigeria grapples with biting economic hardship, a quieter crisis is unfolding- the pressure to provide for family has become a crushing weight for many men.
The fight to repress this pressure, especially in a society that prioritizes issues affecting women and children, has driven some men into depression.
In Abeokuta, the Ogun State capital, a 45-year-old father of two who said he has fallen into depression as a result of his incapacity to provide adequately for his family, narrates his struggle to DAILY POST.
Every day, Idris (not his real name), who lives in the Ijesa area of the state, treks to his place of work in an attempt to manage his N16,000 salary.
With his hand on his chin, Idris, clothed in a faded dark blue shirt, said he works as a gate man at a well-known beer parlour along Onikoko, Panseke Road.
Since I only make N16,000 a month working as a gate man, I trek to work every day in order to manage my salary, the cost of transportation is now high.
I was previously earning N13,000, but as the prices of things got higher, my salary was increased to N16,000,” he said.
Shaking his head in self-pity, Idris said that despite his efforts, he sees himself as a failed man who cannot provide for his family.
They do not pay me in cash; I am always given a cheque; I would have to go to the bank to cash the money. My wife does not work, so I must do everything to take care of my family,” he told DAILY POST.
Also, a middle-aged single father of two simply identified as Fred said, “I feel like I’m going crazy, especially when the money at hand isn’t enough to meet the basic necessities.
He asserted that, like him, many men are falling sick every day, but rather than visit the hospital, they concentrate on taking care of their families.
This hardship affects my reasoning, thinking and emotions. Sometimes it looks like I’m running mad when I start calculating all the things I want to do, especially when I know that what I have at hand cannot even take care of my needs.
Men Don’t Cry, Yet Dying In Silence
Men have a duty to provide for the family, and amid the toiling they are often less inclined to express their emotions because men don’t cry, as the popular saying goes.
As family heads, men, while dealing with a lot of emotional difficulties, find it hard to express their feelings or ask for help so as not to be perceived as being weak or even lazy.
According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), over 6 million men suffer from depression annually. However, these cases are frequently underdiagnosed.
The World Health Organization (WHO) in 2017 claimed that 7,079,815 Nigerians suffer from depression. Depression is a type of mental illness that is characterized by unhappiness and can lead to suicide.
Seven million Nigerians represent approximately 4 percent of the entire population, thus making Nigeria the most depressed country in Africa.
It has long been the norm for men to be strong, independent, and emotionally resilient, and this has left them with no choice but to bottle up emotions even when they need help.
It is also reported that men’s depression over family burden in Nigeria is a significant fraction of the global burden of diseases, accounting for 40% of the leading health conditions contributing to disability-adjusted life years (DALYS).
37-year-old Adesegun Akinsanya admitted that there is pressure to maintain a strong external look even while struggling internally.
I’m a father of three. I have to provide for food, clothing and even transportation.
I was brought up with the mentality that men are to shoulder the responsibilities, and that is a pressure I deal with every day,” he told DAILY POST.
Unlike the other men, Akinsanya has a wife who works, yet he expresses his fears.
I am the head, and I don’t want her shouldering the responsibilities, although I want to change that mindset, but I cannot, that was what we were taught from infancy,” he said.
Fear of Judgment and Failure
Akinsanya pointed out that he has refrained from seeking assistance or talking about his struggles because of fear of being perceived as incompetent or a failure.
He admitted that the current economic hardship has added to the burden of men, yet, he wallows in silence and cannot speak out.
Before now, my wife prepared a pot of soup with N5,000, but it’s different now; just two fishes would cost almost N4,000; even while cooking the gas would finish. I don’t know how to ask people for help, so I try to save the little I have and manage myself,” he said.
I Shout On My Wife, Children When I’m Frustrated
Akinsanya disclosed that when he is weighed down with the challenges of providing, he transfers the aggression to his wife.
It’s an everyday pressure, and sometimes when I’m tired, I react angrily and shout at them when they ask for money,” he said.
Similarly, Fred revealed that while he gets irrational and upset over minor issues, he also distances himself from friends and families.
Fred said, “Sometimes for something that is not worth shouting on, I shout, I react irrationally sometimes to my friends, I get angry over little things that are not worth it, and when I get home and have a rethink, I start blaming myself and have to apologize the next day.
Naturally, I don’t know how to beg, I carry my cross alone and at worst I distance myself from people, face my problems and once I get out of it, I start socializing with people again.
Bottling Up Emotions Can Lead to Depression, Substance Abuse, Suicide – Psychiatrist
The Secretary General of the Association of Psychiatrists in Nigeria (APN), Dr Abayomi Olajide, said suppressed emotions might result in increased tension, anxiety, depression, substance abuse and even suicide.
Olajide asserted that silence is not a good coping strategy and can also lead to strained relationships with partners, family, and friends.
The concept of men’s mental health is very broad, yes; it is often known that men don’t cry; they do not express their emotions; instead, they go about showing strength even when they are hurting.
But it is not a good coping strategy, a problem shared is a problem solved. Internalizing some of these challenges often leads to anxiety problems, depression, and, for some, increased substance abuse.
It could also affect their interpersonal relationship, and that can cause a lot of distress, psychosocial challenges, marital disharmony, social interactions can also be affected because they go about with tension,” he told DAILY POST.
Speak Out When You Feel Less Of Yourself – Psychologist
Mrs Damilola Onebamhoin, a counselling psychologist in Abeokuta, advised men to speak up when they feel inferior, warning that there is a connection between self-esteem and achievements to depression.
According to Onebamhoin, men must understand that asking for assistance and talking about their challenges is a show of strength and bravery rather than a sign of weakness.
The psychologist disclosed that talking to others about their worries might help reduce the burden, avoid mental health problems, and strengthen their relationships with loved ones.
She said, “Most people who have their goals outlined and they meet those goals or find fulfilment in doing something hardly fall into depression.
An average person who feels lacking in one area or the other would want to feel depressed and it’s connected to our mental health. So when you begin to feel less of yourself then there is a problem.
There’s something that connects your self-esteem and achievements to depression. Attaining a state of isolation and depression can lead to suicidal thoughts,” she added.
‘How Men Can Get Help’
Olajide advised men to first accept the fact that the economy is bad and things aren’t going as anticipated.
This, according to him, will enable them to realize the need to discuss the problems, get assistance when needed, and seek counsel.
The Consultant Psychiatrist who works at the Neuropsychiatrist Hospital, Aro, Abeokuta, also recommended reminiscence therapy, explaining that they can recall memories of things they achieved in the past and dwell on them to encourage them.
He told DAILY POST that: “Support groups are also important in the society and community.
Attending workshops or seminars- they must engage in problem-solving skills or use the knowledge of others to engage the problem and then move on with the solution.
Yes, reminicious therapy, you can look back and think about what you’ve done in the past, the success you achieved, and rely on those things to encourage you.
He emphasized that all men must keep in mind that they are not alone and that many others have faced and conquered similar difficulties.
‘The Society Have A Role To Play’
Olajide argued that society must learn to accept men as human beings, not superheroes who can do everything without having emotions.
He noted that rather than stigmatizing and discriminating against them, they should encourage them to talk about their struggles.
Society should accept that men are human beings and are not superman. I think we need to change our ideology about men being superheroes who can do everything without having emotions.
We need to begin to look at them as people with feelings and emotions, who can be hurt, disappointed, and can cry.
Once society accepts that there is a little difference in the emotional component of men and women, it will give them that confidence to come out.
‘The Government Has a Role To Play’
Olajide urged all tiers of governments to do everything within their power to alleviate the challenging economic hardship facing the country.
According to him, they should provide chances for self-improvement, productivity, earning money, learning new skills, and other activities that are known to enhance men’s mental health.
The Consultant Psychiatrist, however, opined that they should also invest in sporting activities as this, among others, can help men deal with pressure and challenges.
